If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
