he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
