those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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