haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
