Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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