I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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