Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
