wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
