The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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