Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
