You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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