My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
