I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
