I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
