I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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