Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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