1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
