That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
