i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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