Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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