textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
