there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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