Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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