Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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