I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
