i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
