No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You dont lie about slip and slides
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
