I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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