We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
