chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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