im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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