Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Randomize
