i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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