Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
