Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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