there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
