I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
