mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
