I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
COCAINE IS GR8
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
