i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Farmville is her only friend.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
