wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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