Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
