Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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