Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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