The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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