There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
