Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
