Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Operation Purity has been aborted
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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