I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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