True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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