Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
