we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
