Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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