listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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