Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
