I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
