I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize