420 ftw
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize