She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
